I am not a fan of tapering. I am not sure there are a lot of runners who actually enjoy the pre-marathon week. For those non-runners, the taper is the period of time leading up to a marathon when runners begin to scale back on their mileage. While it might seem like a welcome vacation from the demands of long runs, it also means straying from the comfortable routine of training.

For me, running affords me an outlet, a way to purge the stresses of the day. Frankly, I also gain satisfaction from the rush of endorphins that running produces. During a taper, I find myself with too much time to think. That is one reason why my taper tends to be shorter than most. This week has been more stressful than past tapers. I am more nervous about the next marathon than usual because Sunday’s race brings with it an enormous weight.

As with all the races planned this year, I will be running to raise awareness and funds for kids who have lost their parents. For this race, I also will be running on the 36th anniversary of my dad’s death. So, the taper has been as much about the actual marathon as it has been about the marathon that is life.

My mind is filled with questions about the race – will I finish? Have I properly prepared for it? Will my shoes fit properly? Will it be warm or cold? All the usual pre-race worries and doubts.

Crowding out those questions are the more personal doubts that many people have – are my parents proud? Have I lived up to their expectations? But those are questions to which there are no answers. Nonetheless, they are questions asked innumerable times over the years. I am not sure my brother asks those same questions or has the same doubts.

The answers will not be found in any of the 5,000 or so steps that I will take over the course of the marathon. Perhaps the real victory will not be in crossing the finishing line, but in leaving some of the doubts and thoughts behind with the discarded water bottles.