Three dinner plates on the tablecloth. Three wine glasses filled three-quarters to the brim. Three napkins folded atop the salad plates. A complete holiday table set.

Except for the four chairs, which since 1978 have symbolized the reality that the holiday is not quite complete. Many families who will gather together during the holiday season will feel a similar absence. They will feel more deeply the loss of a mother, father, brother or sister.

The sense of loss often is heightened when the season of joy begins.

The sound of clanging pots and pans in the kitchen that once provided comfort that Mom was busily prepping your favorite dinner are muted because she is not longer present.

The traditional carving of the turkey is slightly awkward because Dad is the carving knife is not cradled in Dad’s hands. The Christmas gift list is shortened and there is no sibling around to share laughs about holiday dramas of the past.

The magic of the holiday season is found in the small things, but it can be lost when death disrupts the familial balance.

I do not remember much of the holidays of 1978, except for the fact that more relatives were around. I did not know at the time what everyone else did – that  Dad only had a month or so left to live.

Every year after that, the chair sat empty and the void left seemed bigger at holiday time. After all, it is the season of joy. And how can there be joy when the family is incomplete?

There can be joy if we recognize the real meaning of the holidays. We gather around dinner tables, exchange gifts, and travel over hills and through valleys to spend time and to remember the things in life for which we are grateful.

We can resent the family traditions that were lost or we can forge ahead with a grateful hear for the new traditions that have been established.

We can give thanks for the times when the sounds of laughter filled the home and our hearts.

We can concentrate on why the chair sits empty, or we can realize it is not empty because our loved one is watching over us. We can choose to see the table set in missing man formation as a symbol of what is no longer, or as a sign that our Mom or Dad still has a place at the family table. And always will.